It is an ordinary day, by all counts. As per usual, I had less than two hours of sleep before I have to set out again and interact with homo sapiens of all kinds to get to the monthly meeting of the hospital where we talk about “updates” but never really achieving anything. It is my off–even though I’d just spend it sleeping all day, really, when I get back from the hospital (after I make up my mind about going or not)–and well, I’ve been listening to wonderful music. That always makes me want to do something…that something always being to write.

I have many things to say but the words haven’t found each other yet in this murky puddle disguising as mind. I feel in love, and loved, and yet I also feel temporary. Because we all are. Everything is temporary; every thing you see, every person you see, all of these things will be lost someday. And perhaps, this fact is what makes everything matter. What makes everything real.

I am living. I could die any minute, maybe this minute, maybe the minute after my seventieth birthday. Who the hell knows, who the hell cares.

I am happy to be alive.

 

Being a nurse is a noble job. You get to take care of sick people at a minimum wage and getting shitty schedules from a management that suck ass. But really, it is a noble job. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who just wants a job for the sake of getting paid. Hell no. Be a machine operator. A telemarketer. A part-time organ donor. But never take a job that requires you to serve people, unless you really have a heart made for service. Which makes you kind of a hero. Sort of.

Still, I do not like being a nurse. As soon as I can, I’d like to get out of this job. Just starting to think of the many reasons why gets me depressed. But they say writing is therapeutic. Well, you have now the privilege of being my therapist, Internet.

Messing up your body clock is not an option, it is a must.

Ugh. Ugh. Just thinking about my shitty schedule makes me want to puke. But fine, let me try to explain. In a month, I work 26 days. It’s either a six-day or seven-day stretch of working days. And my working hours vary during those stretches. 1st and 2nd day I’d work AM shift (6 am to 2 pm). 3rd and 4th day I’d work PM shift (2 pm to 10 pm). 5th to 6th/7th day I’d work night shift (10 pm to 6 am). But that’s the “ideal” schedule pattern. Depending on the management, you could have just one AM shift in seven days and four night shifts or whatever combination you can think of if they feel like it. But that’s the pattern, AM-PM-night then you have your off day. After your off you’ll have AM shift the next day.

That means after getting home in the morning after a night of working, you’d sleep then wake up late in the day–too late to even plan what you’re going to do to celebrate your off–just to realize you have to wake up early the next morning to work again. Isn’t it fantastic?

You get a huge paycheck–NOT!

You’d laugh yourself out of pity when you see my paycheck. Sure you might think nurses get paid a lot from wherever you are. Not here. For eight hours I get paid less than what your minimum wage earners earn in an hour. Yes, I should just kill myself.

Overtime pay is a thing from another universe.

When you are a shift worker, you can’t left your post when there’s nobody there to replace you. Most of all, you can’t leave your post if you haven’t done everything that needs to be done during your shift. To do a decent job of the workload that is expected of you, eight hours is rarely enough. To do your job effectively, sometimes it requires to you stay and clean up your track for an hour or two more. Yes, THAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU. But from those hour or two, YOU SHOULD NOT EXPECT TO HAVE OVERTIME PAY. Who are you, Cinderella? Hell, no. This is the real world, bitch. You should have expected to be overworked and underpaid the moment you even started to breathe. Now wipe those snot off your face, you whiny little shit.

Help is another thing from another universe.

Yes, to those of you nurses who have experienced working with nurse assistants then please realize how lucky you still are or I’m gonna wish you start having gross pus-filled boils all over your body. In this country, that is just a fantasy. They can’t even afford to hire ample amount of nurses, what more of nursing assistants? Yes, we are expected to do EVERYTHING on our shifts. The mountain load of paperwork and the bedside work, that is expected from just one person (that’s because my employers implement primary nursing care delivery system, if that means anything at all to you). This, in a setting that is still primitive in terms of health care technology. Ugh. Ugh I’m really getting nauseated…

You are forced to meet lots of people everyday.

Yes, for some that might not be such turn-off. But well, I think I’m an introvert. Mostly. Meeting people and talking to them and listening to their complaints and trying your best to make them comfortable drains the energy out of me in a single shift that when I get home I just want to lock myself out in my room and enjoy “Me time”. Well what little of it I have. I guess I shouldn’t really complain because most jobs are like that, people-oriented.

But well…people can be so obnoxious at times. Ugh, just imagine taking care of a bitchy, entitled patient who treats you like you’re her personal slave who should tend to her every whine. Ugh..just…UGH.

So yeah, those are about the major things I find depressing about my job. If I dwell on it too long I just might resign at once. But then again, there’s something still holding me at my post. Perhaps it is that wonderfully satisfying experience when a patient expresses his or her heartfelt gratitude of your efforts. Or perhaps it is the harsh reality that finding another job is not that easy. Yeah, it’s probably the latter.

Ugh I should just be a full-time bum. That is so much easier.

(P.S. I’d probably get fired for this, if the right people find out. Let’s see.)

“I killed the kid, of course.”

It was getting late and we’re the only ones left in the office. With the dim lighting, silence, and lack of emotion from his face, well, it was very believable.

“Damn you man,” I said, letting out an awkward laugh. “You almost got me.”

“But it’s true. You would do the same if you were in my place.”

“You want me to believe that the kids in the daycare next door are merciless, blood-thirsty killing machines who kill people everyday for their homework. And that one almost killed you but then you got to him first? Right. Yeah. And I eat babies’ fingers for my afternoon snacks.”

“It is true though,” he said, still with the same poker face.  “And I do not regret killing that motherfucking monster. He had every intention of chopping off my cock in that washroom. I’m telling you, man, those kids are murderous little shits. Yes, including my nephew. He was there looking when his classmate was doing his homework of murdering me. He would’ve finished the job if he could. Hell, I’m not going near that kid ever again. Not until he was exorcised of whatever they did to him in that school. Not that my brother would allow me to see the boy anyway. Not after I almost drowned him in the tub.”

“You seriously have to cut on the dope man. Or whatever it is you’re hitting right now,” I said, smirking. “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m pretty spent up”

“I’m telling you the truth, Jay. I swear.”

“Yeah. Good night, man.”

I left the building and started to walk home. I automatically turned right, up the road that would pass the daycare since it’s the shortest walk and the same route I use every night. Hearing Fred’s story though made me stop in my tracks.

I laughed. “Geez, that idiot would be so smug.”

So I continued to walk on because I couldn’t let Fred pull one of his pranks again. I let him get on my nerves before. That made me the butt of office jokes for a year and two months.

Well not again.

I started whistling a tune just in case Fred was following me taking a video. Hell, I’m not letting that dumb jock get the satisfaction he wants. The daycare building is so dark at this hour of the night, but most buildings are anyway. The playground seems so still, unlike the sight I see every morning. There isn’t a single kid in sight. In spite of myself, I let out a sigh of relief.

“Hi.”

“What the f–where the fuck  did you come from, kid?”

“You work with my uncle, don’t you?”

Fred. It was Fred’s nephew.

I ran, of course.

KIndergarten by Vladimir Kochetkov

Kindergarten by Vladimir Kochetkov

 

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I guess I was just busy with life. Living mine and trying to save others while I’m at it. I am making myself sound a lot more like a superhero instead of the reality which includes inserting stuff on other people’s body holes.  And sometimes making other holes. Why am I talking about holes? I’m supposed to be talking about myself like a normal, self-obsessed human being.

I missed blogging, in a way. But to be honest, I don’t really get the satisfaction anymore that I got here since perhaps a year ago. Or two to be more accurate. Maybe I am just going through a phase. Maybe I find this to be a less fun, less genuine, less comforting place than it used to be. Or maybe, again, I am just going through a phase.

Some days I can’t even remember why I started blogging. I guess I had something to say before. I still have something to say now, of course, but I have found more rewarding ways to express those things other than blogging here. Instead of spending whatever free time and extra energy I have into blogging, I use it now in nurturing my relationships and writing. This I guess makes it obvious what my priorities are at this time.

This is not a goodbye however. I will keep this blog running for as long as I could. It has a lot of myself in it already. I have rediscovered my love for writing when I started this blog. I have also made a few but rewarding relationships with other bloggers. These things will forever make me grateful, and it is enough reason why I cannot bring myself to delete the blog. Yes, yes, I guess am quite sentimental. You have my permission to make fun. We are all gross in our own little ways after all.

I will still be posting here time and again. I am sorry for not visiting as often as I used to. Yes, I am a jerk. I do think of you at times though, some more than others. You are never forgotten. And with all sincerity that a few words can express, I do hope you all are experiencing some happiness in your life now. Or at least, something quite like it.

Yes, you.

Have a good day. Nah, have a good life. And remember, happiness is not a disease

As a specie, we have been guilty of recreational drug use ever since the dawn of history. Sumerians purportedly had a symbol for opium which translates to “joy” dating as far back as 7000 years ago. Yes, some researchers strongly claim say getting a fix has started way before formal history, proposing that the use of mind-altering substances was already a thing for the Stone Age man. Whether or not we could call them the original “stoners” still has to reach its conclusion. While waiting for them smarty-pantsies finish their debate, here are other facts about the use of mind-altering substances you probably don’t want to know.

 

We’re not the only suspects

crazy horse

Horses share a thing or two with us humans. During winter when food is scarce horses make do with what’s abundantly around, which is the aptly named locoweed. What these horses don’t know is that once tasted they will always be wanting locoweed and only locoweed. Sounds like horses getting addicted? Sadly for these horses, locoweed not only makes them literally “loco” (staggering gait, lethargic one second and jumpy the next, becoming extremely troublesome), but ingestion of the legume actually poisons them which in many cases lead to death.

Perhaps horses should stick with “frog juice” instead? Dermorphin, a substance found in the back of a frog that is forty times more powerful than morphine, has been used by racing trainers to enhance the performance of their injured horses by numbing the pain. Aside from this, it also causes excitation and euphoric states. This less fatal alternative for locoweed might prove to be good news for the equines. Not so much for the frogs though.

 

Lassie does it too

2-dogs addicted to toads

Or perhaps her Australian versions do. Queensland dogs were dubbed by vets as “serial lickers” for repeated cases of cane toad poisoning. It is assumed that the sweetness of toad sweat was what attracted the dogs to start licking at first, but the hallucinogenic effects were the ones that kept them coming.

Cane toads produce “toad venom” as a defense mechanism (which is intentionally triggered by dogs by chasing their amphibian “drug pushers”) and it contains the hallucinogenic Bufotenine, a substance producing the same effect as LSD. Because of the psychedelic opportunities offered by the poor humble toad in its frightened/alarmed state, they have become some people’s most favorite animal–even having a church founded in their honor.

 

And yet Dumbo is the worst of ‘em all

3-drunk elephants

No, we’re not talking about that elephant who got addicted to heroin after he was fed with drugged bananas laced with the stuff. It’s not even the once living, Victorian-era elephant Jumbo (to whom Disney’s Dumbo was based and the widely-recognized adjective for something immensely huge like say, jumbo thighs, originated) who was apparently managed by his “caretakers” by giving him huge amounts of alcohol.

Those elephants seem innocent compared to the fifty elephants who ransacked a village in search of booze. Elephants apparently are very fond of alcohol that wherever liquor is in store, there their trunks would follow. In the Indian village of Dumurkota last 2012, fifty elephants were lured out of the forest by the smell of alcohol from one of its shops, consuming approximately 500 liters of the stuff. Not satisfied with that, they rampaged through the village searching for more booze destroying three houses as a result.

And yet those fifty rowdy pachyderms committed less damage compared to a single elephant who wreaked havoc in the village of Dalokgarupara last 2005. Three people were killed and seven were injured as this stray elephant went berserk searching for rice beer.

 

Santa and the Urine Exchange

4-reindeer pee

Yes, this one’s still drug-related. There’s a theory saying arctic shamans were the inspiration for the conjuring of Santa Claus. What’s really interesting though is the supposed origin of the flying reindeer.

Rather than taking LSD, the Sami people feed fly agaric mushroom (the Amanita muscaria, whose red and white color supports the origin of Santa theory) to their reindeers and collect these creatures’ urine, and drink it in order to get high. Ingestion of reindeer pee resulted to vivid hallucinations such as that the Sami people thought their reindeers are flying through the arctic sky.

But here’s more: the reindeers have developed such a liking for these hallucinogens that when the Samis pee on the snow during their “high” states, the reindeers in turn eat the snow to get the same effect. Now that is mutually beneficial.

 

Ants and the Manipulative Tree

 

5-protector ants

Here’s another tale of addiction and what seems to be a mutually beneficial relationship–at first.  Have you ever wondered why the acacia tree is heavily guarded with ants? That’s because the tree gives off a sugary syrup to feed them, all for the price of protection. Seems like a healthy enough relationship, right?

Wrong. The acacia produces sap which deliberately causes addiction and dependence to its protector ants. The ants, Pseudomyrmex ferruginea, were found out lacking the enzyme invertase which is basically needed to digest sucrose, the sweet sap’s basic component. The tree makes up for this by secreting invertase along with its nectar. So what’s the catch? It was found out that the tree’s sap also includes the enzyme chitinase which blocks the development of invertase in these ants. The larvae ants were found out to have the invertase but lose it when they develop into adults because of chitinase ingestion, resulting with the ants unable to find other food sources other than the acacia.

And that means all it takes is one sip of the acacia’s sweet nectar as a larvae to lead up to a lifetime of bodyguard service. Seems like nature is the original perpetrator of slavery now, doesn’t it?

 

***Now enough about them bad animals. Let’s go to who’s more obnoxious–humans.***

 

Coca-Cola and the “Secret” Ingredient

6-coke

Even if you wouldn’t see the company admitting, a review of history tells us the world’s most popular soft drink once contained cocaine. It started in 1886 when Atlanta pharmacist John Styth Pemberton concocted a drink mixing coca-leaf extract with French wine which he then called Pemberton’s French Wine Coca. It was even advertised as a patent cure-all tonic, reliever of headaches and morphine addiction, yet one with such a strong “kick” that Southerners even called Coke delivery trucks back then as “dope wagons” and soda fountains as “hop joints”.

Because of alcohol regulations though, Pemberton changed the drink into a sugary syrup but still with its main ingredients coca-leaf and kola-nut extract (hence the origin of the current trade name), along with a dose of caffeine.

It wasn’t until the 1890s when public opinion started to sway differently towards cocaine, reaching its peak in 1903 which finally pushed the company’s manager to remove almost all traces of cocaine in the drink. However, it wasn’t until 1929 that the technology has become available to remove all psychoactive properties of the cola-leaf.

But did it stop there really? A New York Times’ article claimed that the company was still importing coca leaves until the late 1980s. Seems the multi-billion dollar company has indeed strong reasons to put its “secret formula” heavily guarded under bank vaults, huh?

 

Atheists use it more

7-atheists

In a study funded by the Swiss National Science Foundation, it was concluded that from a group of 5,387 young men, those who said they believe in God deal with substance misuse less than those who are agnostics or atheists. The group was categorized into five: the “religious”, the “spiritual”, the “unsure”, the “agnostics”, and the “atheists”. It was found out that the least amount of consumption of addictive substances (i.e. cigarettes, pot, ecstasy, and cocaine) happened among the religious group while the most habitual users are–you guessed it–the atheists.

Gerhard Gmel, the author of the study further concludes that religion serves as a protective factor instead of a risk factor when it comes to substance addiction.

Well that, or the religious group could be the bigger liars among the group.

 

But even the pope got hooked

8-pope using coke

In cocaine’s superstar era (aka Victorian era), an aspiring Italian chemist named Angelo Mariani formulated a wine he called Vin Mariani. He treated the wine with coca leaves, resulting to the ethanol acting as a solvent to extract the cocaine from the leaves, forming the compound cocaethylene–a liver killer and heart attack instigator.

From his first client–a depressed actress–the tonic quickly rose up to fame, even reaching the pope at the time, Pope Leo XIII. The pope liked the drink laced with cocaine so much that he even brought with him his personal flask that he can easily drew up in times of need. Enjoying the effects of this potent tonic, he was very grateful that he awarded a Gold Medal to the wine’s manufacturer.

Mariani of course saw this as a big break. He advertised the Gold Medal award in posters along with the pope’s picture as well. Fewer things could be said as more effective advertisement at the time, and yet the tonic’s other clients were not exactly small names either–the Shah of Persia, King of Spain, King of Greece, Queen Victoria and US President Ulysses S. Grant also got hooked to the stuff. Seems like Mariani got the break he was looking after all.

 

Cocaine Dollar

9-cocaine dollar

Now this one is pretty obvious. Research on 2008 showed that 90 percent of US dollar bills in circulation tested positive for traces of cocaine. The bills in your wallet right now might be involved in cocaine drug deals where it got passed from one drug dealing hand to another, or even used to actually snort coke by some users. However, most of the bills got contaminated when it passed through contaminated cash-counting machines at the bank, then the contaminated machine passes on the cocaine to otherwise “clean” banknotes.

But before you go trying to find ways to extract the coke from you bills, it might be relevant to note that the cocaine found in your money is too small an amount to give you a high. That’s unless you have plenty of cash around you–then, it might be reasonable to go sniffing the air to get that high (bank tellers literally breathe in the stuff and might even test positive for cocaine). Then again with that much money you could always go buy the stuff instead. Duh.

 

***

So that’s it. I’m out of here again. Will be back to give you some more non-life-changing information once I find the time. Or I could just show you a cute picture of my butt cheek? No? Okay, bye.

Most of the time, people are just walking blobs of suspicious meat to me–physically, that is. The way I deal with suspicious stuff is that I tend to avoid direct contact as much as possible.This gives me a neutral feeling to people in general. I don’t like or hate complete strangers because it takes some level of familiarity to feel either or that. Or you know, a trigger (like how spitting outside the window of a moving bus would instantly make me dislike you. The feeling escalates to pure hatred if I can feel drops of your disgusting mucus hitting my skin…ugh, let’s not get into that horrid experience again).

However when it comes to attractiveness, I find first glances adequate to form an opinion. Yes, I’m that shallow.  But then everyone is. The first time I look at a person I imagine myself as the ultimate androgyne and judge whether he/she’s: a.) dateable b.) undateable. Yes again, I’m that shallow.

Obviously, datability is as subjective as any preference on this planet (like food, religion, tv show, pooping practices, etc.).  Someone I would classify as dateable might have a face that triggers your vomiting center to go on projectile mode. Personally, the only things that would put me on that mode are those gross coprophilic videos and of course body mutilation. I’ve never really met person whose face could make me want to vomit at first glance. Well, yet.

Now to talk about specifics:

Height

Usually, I tend to be attracted to tall people. That’s because I am really short. I stand at only 5’2″ and wish I’m at least 2 inches taller. People always have that tendency to desire what they don’t have and I’m no different. If you’re a guy and at least 5’8″ or a girl and at 5’6″ up I already consider you tall. Being short doesn’t automatically make a person unattractive though. I’ve met guys who stand at only 5’3″ who I can say have really handsome faces and who are actually branded “playboys”. I don’t think it’s just the face though. It has a lot to do with confidence. But that is not really a “physical” category, so next stuff…

Weight

I am pretty overweight. My BMI is actually 24.92 but that’s just my own self-denial of not actually rounding it off to 25. I am not a bodybuilder or an athlete so you could tell I have a lot of  adipose tissue cushioning my internal organs. And compared to people surrounding me, I am actually fat. Most of them are actually on the thin side, fucking petite Asians. But then like most people I am actually really really vain that is why I am talking about myself when I should be talking about my own preferences. To cut it short, I don’t care what weight a person has as long as he doesn’t look like he’d just drop-dead if he becomes any thinner or he’d have a heart attack the next time he laughs. It’s that simple.

Complexion

I’ve been attracted to all ranges of skin color from white to black to poop-skinned. As long as it’s healthy-looking, then yes I could possibly find you attractive. I’ve never been attracted to a cyanotic person before. I think Edward Scissorhands is absolutely dateable though. I’ve been attracted to Michael Jackson. And we all know his skin color is not that healthy-looking. So yes, I am contradicting myself. This is getting worse, isn’t it?

Face

If you have one nose with two holes, two eyes, two eyebrows, one mouth, visible teeth, and one chin then I don’t think why I can’t be attracted. Unless of course one or more of those is grossly disproportionate with the others. Like, a nose that covers half the midsection of your face gets too in the way before the chance to get attracted starts. Same goes with a mouth that expands almost one-third of your whole face. I’ve seen mouths that big. But maybe it’s just the impression I get because the guy talks too much, opening his mouth too often and too wide he almost looked like he has plans to eat me. And oh, about ears? I don’t care if you have one or two or three. Four would just be too many and zero might prove to be a trouble. I don’t know any sign language other than pointing two fingers inside my mouth. Yes, it means eating–food or otherwise.

***

Those practically sum up the things I look for physically to judge a person’s attractiveness. As you can see, my preferences are pretty achievable. You can even call it boring. Wanting to only date people with celebrity looks means you have to step up and look like that yourself which is kind of high pressure if not downright impossible. I like normal-looking people. Well, in general. I tend to like oddness in people though, especially potential friends and partners. Interesting is better than perfect any day. And besides, who would want to date someone perfect?  You’d feel so inadequate all the time next to that person. I know I would. But then again perfect, like anything else, is purely subjective. Your definition of perfect is not the same as mine so you would probably not agree if I say I am dating a perfect man. He is perfect for me though. It’s all in what you call your compatibility. I guess, really, that’s all that matters when it comes to that so-called “perfection”.

This is what perfection looks like. But of course you're not allowed to see it.

This is what perfection looks like. But of course you’re not allowed to see it.

DISCLAIMER: When it comes to attractiveness, guidelines have the equivalence of excreta basing on truth value. Attraction is a game which breaks its own rules more often than not. Personally, I’d date anyone who has an awesome personality. Fuck pulchritude! Although I wouldn’t say no to a cute interesting person, no. Not in the very least.

 

 

 

Jon Hunter of Pastramibasket made sunfrying Mr. McPotato right up there. I know, he’s awesome. Also, it’s the Pastramiversary last Tuesday, March 25. I missed it (and the chance to know how I’d look like pastramified) because I’m an awful blogger who would rather wipe poop than blog. But hey, it’s not too late to greet this awesome cartoonist a bloggy birthday. Shouldn’t be too late…I still have to do it right now. ;)

 

Looks like I’m writing a blog entry again. See, a lot of things have been on my mind lately. Maybe they’re the reason I can’t sleep well at night. Or maybe it’s the fact that my sleep pattern has been fucked up because of the shitty schedule I keep as a shift worker. Now I’m on my morning shift and two days after I’m graveyard and the day after that I’m going to be on P.M shift. Yes, I know it sucks. Whoever has the shots in making our schedule should seriously be lobotomised. For someone who’s already had a difficult time sleeping even before her schedule was fucked up beyond her control (okay, almost all control) this is seriously taking my sleeping hours away from me. The skin around my eyes are getting darker, I’m getting grumpier, body always feels weak, and I’m eating more.

That should be enough detail for a genius like Sherlock Holmes or someone who has a serious grudge to destroy my life. Now, to talk about stuff.

Drugs

Anyway, I think I want to talk about drugs. Get this clear: I am not into drugs. I abhor drugs. No, I shouldn’t. I abhor drug abuse though. I detest it with all the neurons responsible for repulsion. I am not into romanticising it or whatever shit you say that is one form or another of “drugs is cool”. It’s worse than having to eat poop with worms sticking out of it. I also rather believe that once you abused it, you’re always gonna look for it.  Once a druggie, always a druggie. Burn me for it. See if I care. Don’t give me your people are complex bullshit. People are only complex because we don’t what to believe things that are right in front of our eyes. Okay maybe I don’t believe that enough but that’s what I want to believe right now. Sometimes we can be self-contradictory and there’s perfectly nothing wrong with that. Or maybe everything ha ha. Anyway that’s what one idiotic druggie would have me believed, you know being always a druggie. He’s been the cause of all kinds of shit my family had to experience. Really, I just wish he would die. Yes, that’s a heartless cold thing to say. I don’t think he will ever get better. I’m giving up hope on him—maybe I don’t love him enough? Maybe I’m the one so quick to judge and condemn as if I’m this ultra clean person with no poop stains on her frock. First, I don’t wear frocks. Second, I am poop-skinned so basically I’m stained all over. Heartless bitch? Well…

Jerks

I hate this one local actor. Hate him enough to make me forget that my Facebook timeline should be suitable for work. I know I know this is going to be shallow, hating celebrities crap. Don’t read then. Anyway I abhor him and all his hypocrisy. His latest blunder is being a jerk. I’ve always sensed this jerk quality but recently he’s been such a complete idiot to actually make it so obvious. Well, he’s being a jerk to this girl onstage—a girl who looks like the actress they paired him up with and who made him popular in the first place. This girl won in a look-a-like contest or something. But instead of being a gentleman, or at least a decent human, he’d been a total dick to her, so much that the girl was speechless and looked like she was about to cry onstage. I hope someone would slash open his guts. Yes, I’m really that mean. I’m rather a bit, just a teeny bit satisfied because he received a huge backlash from the Filipino community. I hope his career rots. What can he offer anyway? He only looks good…if you have this certain set of eyes. He can’t act or sing or dance or be decent. He’s basically a talentless idiot who sucked dick on his way to the top. Yes, I’m saying he’s a cocksucker. Literally. And his name is Xian Lim.

I hate mean people. Especially those who humiliate someone publicly. But I’m actually being mean here too so what I’m saying is I’m a hypocrite. Just like everyone else. Deal with it.

Choice

Everyone has a choice. Do they? Don’t they? Do you have a choice on being an addict? Sure you had a choice to pick up that first joint or not. But what if someone has you bound so that the only thing you can move is your eyebrows, then injects a many-times-used needle up that big squiggly vein in your arm. Do you still have a choice in that then? See, I want to understand if everyone really has a choice in everything. I guess not? Because if that’s the case then we’d probably be gods. So yes I admit that’s a stupid thing to wonder about. Wrong stupid question. Let’s make it less stupid then: what are the things in which we have a choice on? I don’t know the specifics but what I know is this: A LOT.

We have a say on a lot of things. So you whining about how your life sucks is someone’s fault is a complete fat lie and you know it. Don’t blame your dysfunctional family for succumbing into drugs. Don’t blame the boyfriend who broke your heart for your morbid obesity. Don’t blame your annoying co-workers for the pathetic excuse that you call your work. Don’t blame the world because there’s no one beside you now to support you after you’ve pushed them all away because you hated yourself. And in fact you still do.

So who should you blame then? Yourself? Fuck no.

Why is there always a need for blame? Just ditch it. Stop the blame game and start the clean-up game. Playing the clean-up game starts with realizing everything that sucks in your life right now has always been something that you have control of. It may be because of you that it all started in the first place. Yeah yeah that sucks, cry about it if you have to, but don’t fucking cry too long–too long to realize that since you had much control to start it, the same control is in your hands to change it. Want a less shitty life? Then learn to wipe your own ass.

But what do I know, right?

Right.

All people are hypocrites. So it really strikes me as funny, if not downright idiotic, how one person could call another person a hypocrite in such a self-righteous manner–as if one isn’t capable of such two-facedness.

The most rampant example I see of this is between a bully and his supposed to be victim. The bully goes on doing his thing–manipulation, bribery, blackmail, hiring goonies or whatgives–to get what he wants from his victims And it goes on unless the victim stands up and fight for himself.

Or he could always be a victim for life.

Supposed he takes the other direction though and actually stand up for himself. The underdog fighting back. Stuff of great drama–especially if the bully is somewhat a big name in the circle both parties are involved in. More often than not, the underdog will gain a following since everybody just loves to root for the underdog, don’t we? This is based on the inferiority complex each of us keep like an extra body part. We all relate to the underdog because we think the world has been unfair to us in one way or another.

What happens is that these supporters of the underdog will keep growing until they actually seem strong enough to tackle the bully, pin him down to the floor and break his knee joints so that he could never stand up again.

Yes, that’s how it usually goes. It’s like the world is turned upside down and now the bully is the one who is victimized.

I’m all out for calling out bullies for whatever bullshit it is they do. But then there is a very thin line that separates being the victim and being the bully.

A. Very. Thin. Line.

That thin line actually goes with everything. News Flash: this isn’t a world of black and white. This is a world of vast complexities where we all still use labels even if we know they’re just plain absurd. A world where you can’t tell when you stopped being a friend and start being a lover, from joking to being mean, from putting things right to downright being cruel, from being cute to being annoying, from being a hypocrite police to being the hypocrite yourself.

Yes, I do think everything is a fucking joke.

It doesn’t mean people stop being hurt though.

We’re all really made of mushy stuff underneath our tough exteriors. We’re all still kids no matter if you’re four or you’re forty. We’re all still kids who just wanted to be acknowledged and praised and liked and loved.

But we are all still kids…who are selfish and only think of our own needs first and foremost. We are all still kids who don’t understand that other people want the same stuff as we do and maybe, just maybe, we could all get what we want if we also know how to give.

But we are all still kids and our needs ALWAYS have to come first. Fuck compromise. Fuck give and take. I am right. And I should get what I want.

Ah, people. Everything is a fucking joke between us. Screwed up and needy and selfish and sleazeballs and yet still so deserving of love.

A fucking joke, that’s what we are.

Everyday I risk being exposed to poop, pee, puke, blood, and the gruesome task of greeting and being nice to people.

I know. Gross.

This was also from six months of hibernation, being content and secure in the confines of my own room and home-cooked meals. At that time, I was also broke so being secure is a complete fat lie. Money is everything. Those home-cooked meals also fattened me up. I am supposed to aim for bikini bridges and starve myself!!! Ugh you should see my fat butt. No you shouldn’t–wtf? But yes, I must conclude unemployment is really bad.

Now though I meet tons of people everyday again. And I’m actually so good at being nice to everyone. Also, one of the people I was nice to died yesterday. Not that I’m saying it’s my fault. I’m not saying it’s not mine for sure either. I might have been directly responsible for someone’s death–isn’t that cool? Well, at least it’s not my mama who died when I popped out of her bloody vagina. But then again I’m not a vagina baby. I came out of her sliced open tummy, scooped by the gloved hand of a complete stranger. So yes, the first person to have ever touched me was someone I didn’t know. Boring Jenny fact # 2. Number one is that I have a gap between my front teeth.

When will I ever stop being gross?

Tonight’s going to be my third graveyard shift. This is another hazard of doing what I do–looking like a zombie (and in time, possibly eating like one). I hate graveyards. I mean the shifts, not the actual graveyards. I love graveyards. I used to jog in two graveyards some mornings. I can’t do it now though with my shitty schedule. Graveyard shifts are unhealthy! Graveyard shifts disturb your sleeping and pooping pattern! There is no worse thing in the world (other than hashtagging yourself as #cutegirl in your Facebook selfies. And no, you’re not cute. Cute is like tiny, say, a micropenis. You however are nowhere near micro…if you get my drift).

Having a disturbed pooping pattern means you don’t poop once a day as is healthy. It takes away the joy of pooping. Sometimes pooping is even more magical than an orgasm, but that’s for another story. Point is, I hate night shifts. I also hate people.

Nah, not really. People are meat. I love meat. Oh, especially if you eat it raw–for the love of sushi and kinilaw! But people do despicable things like, I don’t know, existing? I really shouldn’t whine so much; a lot of people actually have been nice to me despite my face that says “I don’t care if you die” after it gets tired doing that fake gappy teeth smile. Actually, most of them have been nice to be honest.

People are generally nice, in theory. Niceness, however, only comes in certain durations.  So if you want less mean people exposure, spend the least amount of time as you can with people. Everything has an expiration date, you know. Even niceness. Don’t stretch your chances of getting a rewarding relationship from anyone. It’s not niceness that’s unreliable though. People are. Even dreams have expiration dates. So why still aspire for anything in life at all?

Wow…do you also get the feeling that I’m probably going to die alone?

If you’ve read this far you probably know what lack of sleep feels like. You also probably know I’m talking with a floating head.  I’m sorry for not being sorry for wasting your time. That’s a complete fallacy. I could never waste anyone’s time–it’s a person’s own choice.

So being logical aside, fuck that expiration date crap. The only thing that’ll expire is your brain (and food, and meds, and ovaries). Love doesn’t expire. Not that I know what it really is. It’s the most mysterious, ineffable phenomena in this universe (well, next to God–but isn’t God love? Isn’t he? Or…she? It???). Even death is more predictable than love and death is a great mindfucker.

This is an example of an expression of love. Just take my word for it. And yes, I really am a man.

This is an example of an expression of love. Just take my word for it. See how love and death can intertwine? And yes, I really am a man.

And if love can’t expire, and if you have…if you feel this love thingy in whatever way it chooses to take form now, perhaps it’s still not time to give up. Not on dreams (oh you better fucking not). Not on anything. Or anyone.

Fuck, I need sleep.

January 2, 2014

1:57 pm

I wish everyone misfortune!

Someone actually forced me to type that, saying he would cut off all ties with me unless I do that which I doubt he’d do because he loves me very much. You can’t just cut off people from your lives that easily. Especially not the pests.

I’m getting side-tracked. This is supposed to be an obligatory New Year’s post.

So yes, it’s exactly 2:00 pm of January 2, 2014 and this is already more than a day late. You don’t have to hear any of my excuses because I really have none. I suck as a blogger and that’s okay. That’s okay, right? Say yes or die!

Good.

Now you won’t hear any resolutions here. Or my plans for my blog. I really have none. This is just my personal internet space which is sometimes not that personal because of stupid bots. Yes, for 2013 bot bloggers have been “following” me at a steady pace.  Ugh really. I seriously think more than half of my blog followers are all bots. It’s funny and annoying. I don’t really get excited if I get new “followers” anymore because most of those people and/or bots don’t follow me as much as they want me to follow back. Well that sucks because I really don’t follow back just because you followed me. Eww. I seriously have to like you. Just like the same way I pick people to hang out with. I’m sorry to be such a snob and disappoint. Nah I’m not. Want to keep it real. Want to keep my relationships real–well, as real as the blogging platform allows.

Actually I’m really glad I started this blog. I made a promise to myself that this would exist for as long as I live. Ha, I know it would outlive me though. That’s cool and not cool at the same time. Cool because my greatness will live on for as long as the internet exists. Uncool because I, a warm and cuddly and thinking human being, am irrelevant compared to a set of codes and formulas and whatever you call those squiggly numbers and words combo that exist behind what you see in the screen.

Okay, I’m side-tracked again.

Well I’m glad I started this blog because of the people I get to meet. Yes, this is about to get sentimental. If you have read until this point it’s time to back out now. SAVE YOURSELVES!!! But yes, I think technology exists because it allows you to meet people you never would have otherwise. Believe me, I’d rather meet friends the traditional way, the touch and invade personal space way. But sometimes, you live thousands of miles away from interesting people and the said method could be so damn expensive to implement. I’d possibly only meet one person I’ve known through this blog before I die. I might possibly do obnoxious things with that person too. Actually I already do. No I won’t go into details. I’m going to tell you though, there’s a lot of spiroism involved. Don’t ask. Seriously.

So yes, hi old bloggy friends! Hello relatively new ones! Bots, fuck you! Let’s keep dumping our own creative (and sometimes not) musings in our own pages and read each other’s thoughts on things and agree or disagree or even kiss each other’s ass. That’s okay.

I like blogging because of the people I get to meet. And for that reason, this blog is going to stay. For better or for worse.

Eww a marriage line.

Now shoo, and wreak havoc for this new year! Live life as if you’re a child set to die at 11:59 pm of 31st December 2014. That would suck because a child won’t really be able to copulate though, or perhaps could but that’s horrible, so you better just live life as you then. As only you can live. Smile. Laugh. Appreciate (yes, you should do this more). Give. Say thank you. And fuck because fucking is wonderful.

Drop by sometimes though. Tell me I’m awesome. Or something. Definitely something.

You’re something, too. Smoochy smoochy.

I’m so shweet it’s disgusting.

A jolly good meal

or

A warm cozy cuddle session

or

A brand new car

or

Divorce papers finally finalized

or

Maybe a marriage proposal?

Or

The absence of frogs in your room.

(Yeah, that'd be perfect...)

.

.

Or maybe all of these things.

.

.

I wish no one will be mean to you today.

Also,

I wish you even just a little bitty love.

Merry Christmas!

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Last night I met Miss Ingen. The time was rather peculiar. I was flirting with the idea of giving up the futile pursuit of being somebody. I was not fooling anyone, and last night I thought perhaps I should stop being fooled by myself. Few steps away from the door of my building stood a …

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