An Educational Confession of an Annoyed Fatty

I was a fat kid. Fact. I am still a fat kid at heart. Double fact. You want to make me hate and never forget you? Simple: just make the meanest fat insult you could muster and shove it to my pudgy face (prior to my visuaIizing your slow and cruel death by cannibalism ). Oh boy, it never fails–even though I have more of a diamond face now. See, the corners finally show up after losing some of those blobs over the years. However, I really think they just transferred to my thighs.

For many wasted minutes, hours, and even days on end, I would wish and daydream about just waking up one day finding all those excess blobs gone. Ooooh, so many wasted wishes on shooting stars! I could have wished to be rich and famous and successful and happy, but no, I wished to be skinny.Kids are so fucking stupid (no offense, kids).

Oh yes, I was so obsessed with being skinny. I think I did make progress, but it was a slow one. You see, I am lazy and I don’t really have that great of a motivation. To be honest, I wasn’t really morbidly obese. Just on the round side. I think if I had been much fatter, I would have worked harder and way skinnier now. Then again, I would have been the butt of even worse jokes and got deeper scars.

We all make our own excuses, don’t we?

Why did I even want to lose those fats? Like, really self, why?

Hmm…

I think, mostly, it was to feel better about myself. It was being made fun of that did the damage. Isn’t it always the culprit? Like, why would we even want to change the way we are if we don’t get ridiculed because of it? If fat people wouldn’t be mocked for being fat, would they even want to change? Most wouldn’t have. Eventually they might consider for health reasons. But if being laughed at for being fat is not a factor, I think fat people would be perfectly fine with their jiggly bits.

But as human beings, it’s our job to make other people hate themselves, right? Spreading self-hate is apparently part of the survival of the fittest master plan.  So off we go doing our duties, hurling insults to fellow humans!

Ugh, I am such a bad writer. The point of this piece was supposed to be answering the question, “Where do our fats go?” when that miraculous moment of shedding them actually happens. Obviously, I got lost in a mini-rant. So much of my life is spent on hating other people. I am such a human being.

I am really not angry tho. I am typing this with a smirk on my face. A smirk of pain. I wish the pain on my left foot would stop. You see, I have this condition where my own cells attack the other resident cells in my body causing inflammation to my peripheral blood vessels. No, it’s not lupus. (GAAAAH, I hope it’s not lupus!)

But I am a digress-er, I admit that.

Okay, business…

So, how do we lose our fats?

We lose them by praying for a miracle every night.

Really now. Let’s go technical, like where does all that blob go upon leaving our body? Do we lose them by using them as energy sources when we perform an activity? This is how most of us–doctors, dietitians, fitness trainers, couch potatoes and the like–would answer. And we’re apparently wrong.

If we are to lose 10 kilograms of fat, 8.4 of them apparently vanishes into thin air. Yep, we breathe ’em out.

In a research article published by the British Medical journal, it was concluded by Robert Meerman and Andrew Brown that most of the fats we lose were excreted as carbon dioxide through the lungs (no, not through your farts). The rest of those blobs were converted to water, and we lose them through the body fluids we excrete such as in our pee, poo, sweat, tears, and um, I’m not sure but I think cum is included. It is a bodily fluid, right?

WHAAAAAT?

B-butt….I was told the fat was converted into muscle! That I lost it in my slimy poo! I was cheated!!! You’re saying I lost it (or wish I would lose it) through exhaling? Then I should just breathe harder then to get rid of more fats! That would be so much easier…right?

Wrong. Or right, if you want to end up in a hospital bed.

Exhaling more than is needed is actually bad for you since it causes hyperventilation, disrupting the delicate balance of electrolytes in our body that would result in palpitations and loss of consciousness.

So how are we supposed to take control of losing our fats when we can’t just breathe harder?

They apparently decided to ignore that question. Or you know, I have not researched well. But yes, that is the question that matters now.

What use is this finding if we can’t make use of it?

Oh good, we know how fats leave our body now. Breathe it out. But we can’t just do it as an exercise because we’d eventually pass out! So what are we going to do now? Revert to the old means of eating less, and exhausting ourselves more? Liposuction? Wishing to our non-existent fairy godmothers?

It seems that we’re back to the old ways of doing it really. Before those fats could exit our body, we need to break them down first–that is, to metabolize them through, um, through…working out and eating less–I GUESS!

Those researchers should have made it clearer to us!!!

And you think there is a fast, new solution, right?

I’m sorry, fellow fatties. But it seems we need to get up and work our asses off again.

Cheer up. You are not alone.

*feel the positive vibes I am sending your way*

Ugh, where’s that goddamn fairy godmother when you need one…

 

 

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