I have known Jesus for as long as I could remember. I’m not really sure what my first memory is anymore. (Do you know that your memories change every single time you try to remember them? Yeah. Science proved it. Nothing is ever reliable anymore. And yet we still bother. Go figure.)
Anyway, I could say in confidence that during that time, I was already aware of Jesus and the concept of a god.
Whenever I was in a tight spot then, or when I really wanted something, I always asked for his help. I was raised in a very faithful family, although I cannot say it is truly religious. But we believed in God. Everyone I knew then believes in God.
But my faith wasn’t really all that noble. I blamed God for a lot of things then. Oh yes, I blasphemed. I blamed God for all the shitty stuff that happened or was happening. And if I could do it to God, then why can’t I do it to my own mother? Or any other loved one?
I killed so many people in my mind already because I was very upset. But I couldn’t kill God. Because well, He/She/It’s God.
But I doubted. Oh wow, I have been a really good doubter this past couple of years.
How could there be a God when all these awful stuff is happening? We live in a dark, dangerous, and selfish world. Where we judge each other based on our skin colors and the stuff we post on our social media accounts. Where the obscenely rich exist in the same vicinity as the depressingly poor and is okay with it. Where people kill each other because of their gods. In a world where death and misery exist how could there be a god who supposedly cares?
I don’t know.
I don’t pretend to know.
But despite all that, despite all the wonderful discoveries and arguments of science against all things that religions stand for, I still believe there is something beyond human power and understanding. A God.
And I think that this God loves us.
I somehow talked about this with my very best friend in the whole damn world yesterday and he just laughed about it because I was kinda talking with effects from sleep deprivation. Anyway, I told him that I think love is the ultimate meaning. In a much confusing manner than that.
It started like this: if there is no god, then what exists before the Universe? Nothing? Can you really grasp the true extent of that nothing? Of that void? Because I can’t. Nothing like nothing is in that room is different like real, eternal nothingness. I tried so many times in different times in my life and I still can’t push far enough this concept without fearing for my sanity.
I think every one of us has this fear of that nothingness. Why do you think we are all afraid to die? Why do we try so hard to make meaning of everything? And in this effort of making meaning, what do we achieve?
I think, and here I theorize again, that love is the ultimate meaning. Love is that one ineffable thing we all aspire and perhaps, at some points, achieve.
And it exists in all forms, and all these forms flawed in their own ways, but every single phenomenon is beautiful.
Maybe love is just a device we construct out of fear from that nothingness, out of fear from being alone. Maybe. But I do not believe that everything, including love, just came from that nothing. I could not believe that. It is just so meaningless. What is the purpose of having something as beautiful as the whole goddamned, powerful, extraordinary universe exist and just make it all go back to nothing?
From nothing it started and to nothing it will all go back. Yeah, bullshit.
I know this is such a weak argument as to why I believe there is a God. But then I’m not trying to recruit you. I love science, and facts brought about by logic and experiment and research have caused me to doubt all religions. In fact, I am actively trying to convince myself that there is no god. But I just can’t.
I look at the wonders of the universe, the wonders of the world, and I find it hard to believe that there is no god. I look at the eyes of the people I love and I know I am looking at god. I close my eyes and listen to my own heartbeat and I know that there is a god.
We just can’t explain him/her/it yet. Because.
Oh, yeah. I need to end this properly…
Um, this was supposed to end with a Merry Christmas. Because you know, a time of love and all that. (By all that I meant the pressure to give each other material stuff because, that is so godly and amazing and emphasizes the true meaning of Christmas after all).
Nah, I want to greet everyone a Merry Christmas even if you do or don’t believe in God. Believer or not, I know we are all capable of love. Please, spread that.
And if you do believe, please spare a time to reflect. And offer a prayer of thanks. For everything.