Exposure to People and Other Occupational Hazards

Everyday I risk being exposed to poop, pee, puke, blood, and the gruesome task of greeting and being nice to people.

I know. Gross.

This was also from six months of hibernation, being content and secure in the confines of my own room and home-cooked meals. At that time, I was also broke so being secure is a complete fat lie. Money is everything. Those home-cooked meals also fattened me up. I am supposed to aim for bikini bridges and starve myself!!! Ugh you should see my fat butt. No you shouldn’t–wtf? But yes, I must conclude unemployment is really bad.

Now though I meet tons of people everyday again. And I’m actually so good at being nice to everyone. Also, one of the people I was nice to died yesterday. Not that I’m saying it’s my fault. I’m not saying it’s not mine for sure either. I might have been directly responsible for someone’s death–isn’t that cool? Well, at least it’s not my mama who died when I popped out of her bloody vagina. But then again I’m not a vagina baby. I came out of her sliced open tummy, scooped by the gloved hand of a complete stranger. So yes, the first person to have ever touched me was someone I didn’t know. Boring Jenny fact # 2. Number one is that I have a gap between my front teeth.

When will I ever stop being gross?

Tonight’s going to be my third graveyard shift. This is another hazard of doing what I do–looking like a zombie (and in time, possibly eating like one). I hate graveyards. I mean the shifts, not the actual graveyards. I love graveyards. I used to jog in two graveyards some mornings. I can’t do it now though with my shitty schedule. Graveyard shifts are unhealthy! Graveyard shifts disturb your sleeping and pooping pattern! There is no worse thing in the world (other than hashtagging yourself as #cutegirl in your Facebook selfies. And no, you’re not cute. Cute is like tiny, say, a micropenis. You however are nowhere near micro…if you get my drift).

Having a disturbed pooping pattern means you don’t poop once a day as is healthy. It takes away the joy of pooping. Sometimes pooping is even more magical than an orgasm, but that’s for another story. Point is, I hate night shifts. I also hate people.

Nah, not really. People are meat. I love meat. Oh, especially if you eat it raw–for the love of sushi and kinilaw! But people do despicable things like, I don’t know, existing? I really shouldn’t whine so much; a lot of people actually have been nice to me despite my face that says “I don’t care if you die” after it gets tired doing that fake gappy teeth smile. Actually, most of them have been nice to be honest.

People are generally nice, in theory. Niceness, however, only comes in certain durations.  So if you want less mean people exposure, spend the least amount of time as you can with people. Everything has an expiration date, you know. Even niceness. Don’t stretch your chances of getting a rewarding relationship from anyone. It’s not niceness that’s unreliable though. People are. Even dreams have expiration dates. So why still aspire for anything in life at all?

Wow…do you also get the feeling that I’m probably going to die alone?

If you’ve read this far you probably know what lack of sleep feels like. You also probably know I’m talking with a floating head.  I’m sorry for not being sorry for wasting your time. That’s a complete fallacy. I could never waste anyone’s time–it’s a person’s own choice.

So being logical aside, fuck that expiration date crap. The only thing that’ll expire is your brain (and food, and meds, and ovaries). Love doesn’t expire. Not that I know what it really is. It’s the most mysterious, ineffable phenomena in this universe (well, next to God–but isn’t God love? Isn’t he? Or…she? It???). Even death is more predictable than love and death is a great mindfucker.

This is an example of an expression of love. Just take my word for it. And yes, I really am a man.
This is an example of an expression of love. Just take my word for it. See how love and death can intertwine? And yes, I really am a man.

And if love can’t expire, and if you have…if you feel this love thingy in whatever way it chooses to take form now, perhaps it’s still not time to give up. Not on dreams (oh you better fucking not). Not on anything. Or anyone.

Fuck, I need sleep.


22 thoughts on “Exposure to People and Other Occupational Hazards

  1. I need sleep too, don’t feel bad. I’ve been inserting tacos and skittles into comments for the last hour.

    I’ve probably creeped SOMEONE out tonight, but HEY! Who doesn’t like tacos?


  2. When I was a high school teen we used to escape with our girlfriends to the graveyards for make-out sessions. It didn’t bother us one bit. It was nice and quiet.

    I’ve pooped and I’ve had orgasms. Hands down, orgasms are better.

    Have you ever had steak tartare? I think this post is disgusting and should be Freshly Pressed.


    1. I’d love to have a date in a graveyard myself. I just can’t find a guy willing enough. It’s so nice, isn’t it? Especially if you’re in a really old graveyard with lots of trees.

      I wonder if you’ve had a really big poop that’s so difficult to push out. Those can be real orgasmic-esque. But maybe it’s just me.

      No, I’ve never had steak tartare. It sounds yummy though. I mostly have fish when I eat raw meat. Have you tasted human meat? No, don’t answer. And thank you for calling my post disgusting. I really appreciate it. *big gappy smile*


  3. What is sleep, anyway? Just a lazy way to escape from everything that ails us. I haven’t slept since kid #1. And then before that in uni, why sleep when you could be up at the pub or just hanging about? Two decades of no sleep. I hear you.

    The only reliable thing about people is that they’re unreliable. And that they’re worth loving anyway. Especially if they don’t mind asking for a small filet from the grocery store, taking it home with their hands shaking, dousing it with coarse pepper, slicing it raw, and eating it with raw garlic.


    1. Two decades of no sleep. Man, and you’re still practically sane right? You must have superpowers or something. Nah I think you’re already crazy.

      The only reliable thing about people is that they’re unreliable. And that they’re worth loving anyway.

      Damn, I could quote you on that. Furk yeah, Mr. Lewin. Furk yeah!


      1. We had a corporate team-building exercise and were asked what superpower we’d like. I chimed right in and said the ability to never, ever need sleep. You could live the equivalent of two lifetimes! Everyone else picked a grand, altruistic superpower like end world hunger or disease or violence. What a waste of a superpower! Bunch of show-offs.


      2. Now I like how you think. Don’t you think it would also be great if we don’t need to eat as well? Save tons of money. What would we do then though? Find our life purpose and spend time meant for sleeping and eating working to achieve it? Hahaha that’s even more difficult sounding.


  4. I have a gap between my front teeth

    So do I. If I fill my mouth with water and bend my head back, I can squirt it upwards, creating a great impression of a water fountain. That is my party piece. It’s also handy because I can convert my mouth into a water gun any time I want. Squirt, squirt, haha your soaked….and 80% of that was actually saliva.

    This post was one of your best.


  5. I agree with u sometimes pooping is much more heaven than orgasm..hehe. so when you’re in graveyard shift, do you still poop in the morning? Me? I poop at night..hehe disturbed pooping pattern hehe.


    1. Now that you ask, I poop at any time of the day. Sometimes even at 3 a.m. During those times when it’s so silent, you could actually hear your poop make that plopping sound as it hits the water. I don’t know, but that’s strangely satisfying. I’m sorry for grossing you out.


      1. Hahaha

        That probably is the most satisfying thing to do…hahaha. but it doesn’t come anytime u want it to come.sometimes at the most unexpected like when u’r in the middle of church’s homily.hahaha.stubborn.


  6. Read this last week in email form just now getting to comment. I was in the hospital for 4 days in November Now I know what the nurses were thinking 😉
    They were always having to clean up the poop of the LOL (little old Lady) next door, then run down the hall going yuck!
    Seems better idea to embrace the poop death like you do, than fight and judge it oh andd get some sleep.
    Keep writing!!!!!


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