Mind Sperms to the Future


I assume like me, you are still human. I assume like me, you know one day you’ll die (if you don’t, well…I’m sorry? You will though). I assume like me. the big questions also float in the seminal fluid of your mind like sperms giddy to start a new life.

Today one of the gigantic ones popped up in my mind-semen on the way home:

What is the point of all this?

Yeah, yeah. I don’t expect you to come up with an answer. With a satisfying answer that is. That’s too broad a question to ask. But sometimes you just can’t help it. You look at your life and you feel as if someone just vacuumed your tummy so that you just have empty space between your breasts and your hips because you keep doing things that others tell you are the keys to success (as if that S-word means the same for everyone) when you claim you know  what really matters in life and those are not it.

What really matters in life anyway?

Maybe you’re not like me after all. Maybe this question doesn’t hold that much weight on you–perhaps because you believe you already have, and are so busy living the answer. Well yay for you! But then maybe you’ve given up hope. Or maybe you just don’t care anymore.

I do though. I want to live a good life.

Maybe it’s because of vanity; that longing to defeat death in a way by leaving imprints of yourself. I want to leave imprints that will make people remember me in a good way. But even then, this doesn’t really matter. For the people who remember you will eventually die. The people whom they shared your imprints will die too. As well as the next generation shared with memories of your existence. All will die, until not a single person in the future will remember you have ever lived.

Death still won after all. You’ve never really defeated it, only escaped it for a while longer.

So does it really matter? Maybe not in the big picture of Everything That Is.

But it still matters to me, living a “good” life. Because…because maybe I owe it to all the good stuff, commitments, deeds, hocus-pocus that resulted to whatever good that is now. Whatever’s good in me. Because I think I believe good begets good still; I don’t want to sow something awful and wicked and rotten because I just don’t. Maybe I’m not bitter enough about everything yet. And I don’t want to be.

I wonder if you’re the same.

So yes, living a good life. Let’s go back to that question of what matters in life, because figuring that out would be like getting that first kiss that leads to a hundred of orgasmic nights. Or mornings. Or whatever rocks your bed.

So what matters in your life now, future self? (And I wonder if–by any chance–you are sex-obsessed?)

I am kind of in mushy ground right now. Like it used to be a cemented road but a giant who just ate truckloads of oatmeal dumped on it. That mushy. Well, mushy might not really be the right word but euphemisms are still used in this era, remember? You see, I thought I was certain of what matters in life. But now not so much.

I mean, people matter most of all right? Especially the ones you care about. You should try to make as many meaningful connections as possible.


That’s how you get remembered, right? That’s also how you make an impact–hopefully a good one–on anything and anyone. Connections. So is that what matters? Building meaningful connections?

But then it’s a two-way thing. You can’t make a connection by yourself. You can try of course, but like good sex, it requires work from the other side.

Sometimes connections just fail because of our own selfishness.

People are so selfish, aren’t we? No point denying it. Selfishness has only become morally acceptable because we find a way to satisfy our selfishness at the same time satisfying that of others. Do that, and people would only be too willing to call your act any other name but selfishness. Not that I have a problem with that. I think it’s ” good” selfishness; a win-win situation.

But then sometimes people are just “bad” selfish. Like all they care about is satisfying themselves. That’s where the connection links break.

I don’t know where this is going, future self. I think I started ranting about the seeming pointlessness of life, then saying perhaps there is yet a point only that you have to find it–or make it–then I ranted again about how difficult it is to live to that point.

I wonder what happens after we die. But that’s for another letter.

This time I want to focus on living. Talking about it at least, how to live. Maybe I should just stop writing and start living my life. Start making connections. Or try to. But then again I am trying to make this connection to you. So I guess I kinda am living my life.

Future self, I hope you still have and always will have a reason to live.

I think that’s really the first kiss towards a hundred orgasmic nights.


Connections by Miguel Navarro

Connections by Miguel Navarro

Connectivity by Chloe Mydlowski

Connectivity by Chloë Mydlowski


19 thoughts on “Mind Sperms to the Future

  1. Did this all come about because of Nelson Mandela dying? Because he certainly seems to have cheated death. He’s immortal! And he was certainly a good-deed-doer and lived a good life. But how many of us can be Madiba? Damn few, I’d say.

    I don’t want to get all Donny Downer on you but being sex-obsessed is a ruinous journey. I have never been, but I’ve had people in my life who were and it seems to be a never-ending search to fill a bottomless void. I’ve seen both men and women throw it all away for the sake of a good screw. Best to get a grip on that.

    Nobody knows what happens after we die. NOBODY. Each religion has their own special fable on what happens to you after you’re gone but they’re all faith-based, void of any facts, and they all think they’re right. It’s the big lie they sell to the masses to comfort them. The truth is you won’t know until after you’re gone. Don’t let anyone tell you different.


    1. This came out from an almost panic attack but not really while I was stuck in traffic. Traffic can do mean things to you.

      I don’t really think I’ll ever be sex-obsessed. I mean, I think all humans are basically sex-obsessed in the way that sex is an instinct. But to make my life revolve around it and sleep around without my mind, MEH. Or maybe I’m just repressing myself physically that’s why there’s a lot of sexual innuendos when I write.

      Agreed that nobody knows. I don’t think anybody ever will. But the pursuit to find answers is both amusing and annoying and I admit a guilty pleasure too. Admit it, you also wonder what’s after this, don’t you? Maybe total nothingness. That’s scary.


  2. That is heavy for a snowy afternoon. I got no answers. But stopping writing to start living doesn’t sound like a great one in my opinion. For me, writing is a big part of living. I don’t know where I’d be without it. But I don’t expect it to bring me to any certain place. It just is.

    We all make our contributions, however small. I guess we can’t live inside one big orgasm… although I hear they’re inventing a pill for that. I won’t buy it. I prefer the old-fashioned route.

    Big part of my point in life is my kids. They give me something important to strive for that I can’t possibly describe with mere words.


    1. I laud you on not expecting that from your writing. Many “writers” feel so entitled to fame and money today and it’s just…I don’t know, depressing? One out of fifty writers will probably get the fame they want. And that’s being ridiculously positive. Of course I want both of it too. But that’s not ultimate reward. Writing is.

      A pill for orgasm? Ugh what’s happening to people? We’ve become so goal-oriented instead of enjoying the process. I would never exchange a big Mac for a pill that has the same amount of nutrients (is there a nutrient in a big Mac?) and calories. Nuh-uh.

      I kind of understand what you mean with your kids but not really. I wouldn’t try to, either. I know I can’t until I have one of my own. The nearest sort of understanding I have is the love I feel from my mother.

      And I’m sure it’s still way more than that.


  3. You seemed so sure of yourself that you would find the meaning of life here and you came to the conclusion that you don’t even care.

    You’re best off not worrying. Stop stressing so much.

    And for goodness sake get some Spiro in you!


  4. Even good Mr. Mandela will eventually be completely and utterly forgotten though. We could play the devil’s advocate and say that Wikipedia lives on stably into the future (so his record is still there), but even if that record stays, his memory will become irrelevant to distant-future lives. I disagree though, on what it seems like you’re saying, that because one’s memory is irrelevant that one is in totality. The effects of one’s life are still there, they still happened, and even if they are no longer noticed by future humanity, those actions still made their contribution to the course that history will steer forever onwards.

    The nasty what-if to me regards whether time can actually keep going or not–“What if the universe does not survive?” and there exists no external entity or set. The Big Freeze and Heat-Death are such nasty predilections then. And that sense of nihilism and unimportance would, I think, make even Lovecraft wince.

    So I hope that someday humanity figures it out, that we can find Maxwell’s Demon (a loophole in entropy). And I hope that I can live the positive life that contributes to the attitude of progress, creativity, and good-spiritedness needed to get there. I think there’s a point to that logically, and the general sense of “making the world a better place” is consistent with this, still leaving us with significance (though it may not be as large as desire).

    And if we can not logically hope for this, if eventually no information shall exist whatsoever, then I suggest we fucking lie to ourselves about it, and arbitrarily choose what makes us happy dammit, for why not?

    I didn’t subconsciously put you up to this by the way did I? I noticed some of my dreary death thoughts creeping over to your blog after you stopped by to comment. I think I may have another post to write on it, but I think perspectives are fairly healthy at the moment.


    1. “The effects of one’s life are still there, they still happened, and even if they are no longer noticed by future humanity, those actions still made their contribution to the course that history will steer forever onwards.”

      Chaos theory, ha! You know what, I really hope you’re right. It’s scary to be a nothing. Have you seen It’s a Wonderful Life? Of course you did, you’re American (not to be racist at all, haha). I like the question that movie posed–what if you don’t exist. It’s funny isn’t it, how we only notice the difference things make–or at least they’re much clearer–when they’re not around?

      And agreed, there’s nothing more scary than the idea of complete, utter NOTHINGNESS at the end of this all…whatever “this” is (it could be possible though that there are other universes than ours). I remember thinking about that even while I was very young (though it started as a rather different POV then–the “What if God doesn’t exist?” one) and felt like my insides are being vacuumed. It’s scary.

      I like that lying to ourselves part. Perhaps even too much haha!

      And you most probably did infect me with your dreary thoughts so yes, you’re all to blame if I give up on life entirely. Nah, I had these thoughts much longer than I can even remember. I don’t think they’ll ever go away.


      1. I think information theory might be closer to what I was getting at of we had to put it in one of those buckets. I’m not suggesting that our small actions have big effects later (chaos). Rather Im just saying that they have an effect period hah. Maybe thats bleak too, but there’s already BILLIONS of us on this planet right now. Expecting each of our actions to hold massive significance to history would be unrealistic (though they can to individuals and its good to shoot foe the stas). Thats why Im happy to at least know that, if humanity survives, then so do our tiny (or big) contributions, even if only in a slight disposition within the underpinning attitudes of those that come after.

        And i actually havent seen that movie hah, do i need to? My blood generally runs red rather than red, white, and blue Im afraid. But oo-rah and all that nonsense.

        That there might be nothing behind the veil is probably the worst of the many options to me (contrary to what many atheists say, Id take hell over nonexistence). But without my old semblance of god to hide behid, ive had to face that possibility more directly. The good news at least is that it gets easier, and it helps your motivations and philosophies have more integrity too!


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