Indecent Proposal

Can we be best friends?

I would like to say I wasn’t the one who said that, but yes, I was a pretty pathetic kid.

It was back in the second grade and as early as that age I already know I was surrounded by idiots. Idiots can be nice friends. But not really what you would want as a best friend. Best friends should be able to extract us out of a tight situation, watch our backs–you know, the whole partners-in-crime thingy. Idiot friends just won’t do. They’d just bring you closer to hell, especially if you have my kind of friends; one who insisted I stole her book because my backpack has a cartoon frog holding a yellow book–just like the color of hers–imprinted on it.

The bitch.

So yes, when this new girl came, I thought maybe she’d be different and I could have a best friend at last. In the playground after class, while waiting for the ‘rents, I talked to her. First sign of impending doom was that she doesn’t speak my native tongue (yes, best friends should ONLY be people who speak the same native language). So there I go talking to her in awkward Filipino/Tagalog and it’s like a blind date gone bad. It happens to kids, too, I swear. I could see her cringing but maybe she was just mirroring me. It’s a mystery to me why I didn’t stop there. I guess I was born stubborn. After a lot of cringes and awkward one-second glances in the cube climber, I proposed:

Can we be best friends?

This was her answer:

shocked awkward face

She never really got to verbalize her disgust or said anything at all because shortly after my genius proposal, her nanny arrived and saved her from awkward country. I was left alone in the cube climber, under the glare of the noonday sun and basking in my own shame. After most of the queasiness left, I climbed down and approached the other girls and bullied one or two boys at least. I want to say I’m kidding but I don’t remember the details of what happened after too well, and I can actually remember bullying boys during other times in the playground. Oh well.

I wish there is a moral to this mental trip to grade school playground other than best friends are damn hard to find and you won’t find one if you consciously look for one. The girl did NOT come back to school the next day and for the rest of the year. Rumor has it she transferred to another school. But I know better. She actually died that day from extreme embarrassment and repulsion. Or maybe just fear. I’m not sure.

I guess the real moral of this story is if you want to NOT see another person again your whole life, ask him/her to be your best friend. Or offer marriage. Same shit, different packaging.

I’m awesome and you’re welcome. ๐Ÿ˜‰


4 thoughts on “Indecent Proposal

  1. Reliving your past humiliations. Does it ever get old? Do you ever grow tired of beating yourself up? Hell NO! I like to relive my embarrassments suffered in the sexual arena. Drunken impotence. Premature climax. Farting at the wrong moment. Those are my specialty.


  2. Hah, well I hope marriage offers would be less impromptue, but I can’t tell whether I sense cynicism in that or not. Apparently marriage offers are more like a way of saying hello in Ghana though. In the least, my own lady was getting them daily. Now that I think of it, I was getting the best friend offers off the cuff to. Maybe youre just in the wrong country for this?


  3. great observation of an awkward situation – we’ve all had them one way or another, but it takes skill to make something of them and convey them so sure-footedly: really enjoyed reading this


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