I gotta be the stupidest person on earth.
You see, I have managed to make myself 100 fucking times uglier than I already was. Yep, that’s possible.
This afternoon, I was so engrossed reading on my PC Kindle that I did survival things (i.e. eating, drinking, breathing, farting) on automatic mode. Normal, right? Wrong! It’s all because of this stupid tumbler:
Pair that tumbler with sheer idiocy and you’ve got the weapons to start your personal Doomsday.
You know how kids people do silly/purposeless things like blowing bubbles in their drinks using a straw or making gum bubbles? They’re nothing to what I did. I actually sucked the air out of that tumbler because of I-don’t-fucking-know-what:
Well you know what happened next.
Oh, you don’t? Allow me to humor you. Imagine yourself putting your mouth inside that empty tumbler and mimic how a vacuum cleaner works. Right, so the tumbler will now stick to your skin because of the vacuum/pressure formed and it will continue to do so until you exhale. Heck, you can even dance with that tumbler beak of yours as long as you can manage to hold your breath!
So yeah, I forgot how long or how many times I repeated that sucking thing with the damned tumbler because as I said, the book I was reading was so goooooood (read: Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig). Perhaps I did it too often or for too long–who freaking knows?!
What I do know is as follows.
When I stood up to do something crucial (i.e. allowing my bulimic bladder to purge itself) in automatic mode, I happened to glance at the mirror and saw something magical.
Yep, I actually managed to make myself un-erasable clown lips because I allowed the tumbler from hell to give my mouth a blowjob.
Sensible people call the result a bruise.
I call it a Lip Shiner.
Or T.O.S.S. (Tumbler Oral Sex Shiner).
Or S.I.S. (Stupidity Induced Shiner).
Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuckkkk!
Right now? I can’t get to my job without a mask on. Hell, I can’t get out of my room without a mask on! I actually made my life literally worse because of being too engrossed in a book. And they say books make you smarter! GAAAAAH!
Phew. Well, diary? At least there are lessons I’ve learned because of this whole unfortunate event (this is me using my defense mechanism of rationalization, so shut up):
- DO NOT do something that takes up most, if not all, of your cognitive function like reading a book, deciphering a mathematical code, or tying your shoe laces without another person in the same room to warn you of impending doom because of the possible things your body could do in automatic mode.
- Face masks are survival tools. ALWAYS replenish stocks.
- Tumblers are creatures from hell. BURN all stocks!
- DO NOT, I repeat, do not receive blowjobs from anyone or any-fucking-thing unless you know how closely related they are to a frigging suction pump.
BUY A FUCKING BRAIN a.s.a.p., CLOWNFACE!!!
I guess that is all for now diary. Thank you for listening.
Living a worse life than ever,