If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.
–Hermann Hesse (1877 – 1962), Demian
I stand here in the balcony and weep, not for any cause, woes, and hurts noble but for mine and mine alone.
The one time I gave in paved the road to my own destruction. It was wrong, wrong to allow my heart fall in the keep of your hands. Now its life is already entwined upon yours – your pain, hurts, joys, and love.
You are no different from all the women I slept with, those maidens and wives, north to south, even the king’s own concubines, you are no better or as exquisite as some of them.
But they are merely flickering candles compared to the endless sunlight that you bring to my life.
I loved you, Kristin, and I love you still.
You slept with other men, but I wait, wait until the last of them spills his seed, so I could spend the rest of the night with you until morn. You do that to live and live you did, I made sure of that. I wanted you to be my wife, yet you refused to come live with me. You can’t be forced so I let other men consume you and wait, wait until they have gone satisfied so that I could at last fill my own desires. Then, tired as you are, you still receive me with that smile.
Why did you have to be so difficult?
At some nights we would just talk but I couldn’t have been any happier. You would listen and point out my flaws, brutally at most, and still you listen. And I am happy. And we’ll call it a night and you allowed your head to rest in my arms. I watched you sleep, yes I did, and there was that smile again upon your face.
I almost allowed myself to believe that my love was reciprocated.
But it was not, was it, Kristin? You don’t love me and you did not tell me that you do. Not once. Sweet but honest, gentle and brutal, usual but extraordinary – and I love you then, now, and always.
Then tonight, tonight you told me that you’re leaving. Preposterous, I said, but you are serious. You say you have saved enough money to finally leave and go back to your little village that lies in the foot of the great mountains and receive the sun’s first kiss. Of course I say no, no, you can’t leave. And you laughed then kissed me gently.
Why do you have to torture me?
Those words are unimaginable, I cannot allow that, no. I shall be with you always, always. But I cannot go to your little village for I live here in the big city. My people are here and if I leave they will die.
But if you leave then I will die.
I know you, love, I know you. Nothing can stop you and leave me you shall. And I am as good as torn apart.
Still, it wasn’t enough. You are not finished with your poison and the next that came forth of those lips is when you say you are to be wed. Wed? To whom? To the man you left behind when you left for the city, says you, to the only man you have loved and ever will. All those letters you write and say intended for your family, all that has letters, too, that was meant for him. And your love for each other has never ceased all this time. Two lovers far apart and soon, very soon, will be united.
But you are mine, Kristin, mine, as I am yours. And you can make me hate you but still, I am yours. I won’t give myself to anyone ever again, not even to me. And tonight I vow that we will sleep together, and tomorrow, and all the other nights after.
Let that be heard by all the Stars, the Moon, and the Wind that kisses my face tonight.
Now I must go back to the bed we will share for eternity, devoid of everything – riches, friends, family, morals – but of each other.
You lay there as peaceful as the sound of my longing, for at last it will be quenched. You lay as still and as breathless as the passions of my heart. For I have no other passion left but you, and you alone.
With your blood and mine, we will be covered by a blanket that will shield us from the world until time and beyond. With tears of joy I will leave the life I have previously known and join you in eternal slumber.
Together, at last, now and forever.