SILENCE: My Worst Stand-up Comedy Performances and Experiences (2013)

You should read this book because Tim Boyle is the sexiest man alive.

HE thinks this is sexy.

If that is not enough reason then you must be a guy–a fat guy who wants to kill sexy men. All the more reason why you should buy the book. Why? Find it out on Chapter 6. Or maybe it was 7.

All kidding aside, this book is a must-read for anyone who had fought and lost. That means everyone past Justin Bieber fan age. With a bare-all, punch-in-the-gut combos writing style that could either make you laugh out loud or whimper in agony, this book is as much funny as it is sad. And the combination is lethal, completely fulfilling what it has set out to do.

DO NOT expect for glory moments. Cringe-worthy, laugh-out-loud, “Oh shi–that’s just like me!”, “Uugh, yuck!”, “Gosh. I’m glad it’s not me”, “Awww, poor Timmy, he’s so young to have LUNG CANCER…”, “Oh, that’s so true!”, “WHAT THE F^#@!”–those are the moments you should watch out for.

It’s like a Friday night My Life Sucks session with your long lost crazy (in a good way) friend.

My life sucks because I use memes.

Hilarious, wise, gut-wrenching, a REAL book with as much forgivable faults (i.e. minor glitches in grammar, no actual photos of the author taking it on-stage–bah…) as a real person–this is a book both stand-up comedians and people who haven’t even seen the insides of a comedy club (i.e. me) will enjoy. If you have/had a dream and did/doing all you could to reach that very elusive star, this book’s also for you. If you’re someone who frequently have those “I wish the ground will open up and eat me”-embarrassing moments or if you’re a young, aspiring comedian, then WHAT THE HEY ARE YOU STILL WAITING FOR?!

(Note: This is NOT a Disney book. EXPECT four-letter words.)

All you need is a healthy dose of empathy to enjoy this book (read: just be human). Very relatable to the extent that even dogs with enough empathy could actually enjoy it. What do you mean am I sure? How would I know–I don’t even have a dog!

But you’re not a dog, are you? Thought so. Just try it.

Why would I want to have someone to boss me around my place like he owns my stuff?!

Really, unless you’re an unfeeling cyborg with no funny or any other bone, you would never regret it.

The worst thing a comedian can hear is silence. When a comedian tells a joke and there is no response, he dies a little bit inside. –Tim Boyle

Get it here.

5 Reasons Why

…you should purchase this book:

1. It’s FREE.

2. It’s FREE.

3. It’s TOTALLY HILARIOUS.

4. It’s only for today.

5.You’d be an idiot not to.

So get it now right HERE!

*You need a Kindle to read this which, if you don’t have it, could be found here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=dig_arl_box?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771

Seriously. You should check this guy out! I know you want to do it. Of course you do–don’t you find it extremely funny to laugh at the wackiest misfortunes of others all the time? ON STAGE?Admit it. And as a famous person with the initials T.B once said, “Once you go Tim, you’ll only ever want him.“

I’d like to talk more, really, but shouldn’t you be clicking on some links already? Thought so.

Can you be any more obnoxious?

Outpouring of a Troubled Soul: First Attempt

“It’s so much easier to mock everything than to discuss our true feelings.”

I couldn’t have started this better than with the preceding quotation. It was spoken by Ali, a character from Black Gold – a movie that has touched me lately, and led me to this writing.

It led me to yet another staring-at-the-notebook session and from there I have come up with the idea  that the people who suffer most in life turn out to be either of two things: 1.)cynical and depressed individuals; mostly with antisocial tendencies, 2.)the most light-hearted, easy – going people in the world. The former one chose the easier path, the latter chose to go against what fortune, or lack of it, wanted him to become.

No, I don’t have any formal education in Psychology, nor will I claim to have gone through hell and its branches in my twenty years of existence. So there’s no watertight reason why you should believe this. Rather, this is a personal need for me to achieve the balance that is so remote these past few days.

It has been my refuge to convince myself that happiness is what you make out of life and not some destination, nor loot we should all seek to find. Like a hidden treasure we should make all the preparations to discover. And so I try, with ease fortunately, to face life with as light a demeanor as I can manage.

But life is a trickster.

Once you’ve found an effective way to adapt, it then changes its strategies and forces you to doubt people, their intentions, and your whole new outlook on life. Do we really cover up issues that need to be faced when we choose to sweeten it all up with a satirical approach? Is it wrong to focus on the positive side of things and ignore the depressing events around you which there really is little you can do about? Is it a futile feat to try to make a new path different from what most clouded souls follow? Would it do a person better if he tries to live as what society dictates to be a productive individual – one that has a stable job in a stable institution who pays stable taxes in these oh-so-stable governments?

I have already met so many cynics, and I admit I couldn’t blame them for how they’d turn out. The insults, abuses, prejudice, and mockery you could get from the world around you is enough to make one a cold – hearted individual. I used to respond to these people with a temper I would do my best not to come up with again today. But if I dig deeper, I know that what I really wanted was to scream until my larynx dries up from an inch of these people’s faces. Yes, I am not so different as to not possess that violent streak that  every human being was bestowed with from birth.

But I choose not to use it. As long as I can help it.

And yet again, like YOU, I have limitations and that’s why I have written this piece of melodrama. I made a decision to keep this blog with a mood as light as it can be – not to the extent as a 4-year old can relate to because I don’t have that pure a mind.

But yes, like YOU, I am someone who exists, and yet asks what’s the point of all of this.

Image courtesy of http://www.cherrybam.com/sad-quotes.php

“Seed – Planting” on BFFs and Other Oddities

Whoever first said that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and related it to parent – child relationships clearly doesn’t know my parents. Fine, that is an exaggeration. I do have some qualities possessed by…

…okay, moving on, ehem, I wanted to share the misfortune that has befallen the pathetic existence of my friend, Joan (sorry, Jo).

Joan had the revoltingly despicable perfect guy (if you’re not picky) for, say, 5 months now until she learned yesterday that he planted his seed on her best friend’s birth canal. I mean, wow, that guy must have secretly hated Joan. Or maybe the male specie just can’t control their hormones upon sight of a flirtatious human being with two protruding frontal milk reservoirs.

But whatever the reason is, I consider it an Oddity.

By definition, an Oddity is something that one either dreads to occur (occur, for it is in fact a calamity. Maybe I should have used calamity on the title. Nah, too lazy for that now…) and if it does it is impossibly difficult to dissect the mystery as to why you have allowed excess idiocy to pop up when you let it happen/did not see it coming.

Well, here is a list of the phenomena I consider as Oddities (in no particular order):

1.) BF planting seeds on BFFs V – zone 

2.) Rents telling you you’re adopted (after you’ve convinced yourself that your chinky eyes are just a manifestation of some psychosomatic disorder rooted on guilt over your porn stash)

3.) The worst hairstyle of the century (yes, on your head)

4.) Darwin’s Theory of Evolution (so obvious, I don’t know why they had to wait for Darwin to patent it)

severe case of hirsutism, folks

5.) Gas explosion in the middle of a sermon (mmm – hm, from your A – hole)

6.) YOUR cat’s reign over the furniture (I am NO guilty in owning a cat – I’ve seen too much of that anomaly)

7.) Herpes (need I say more?)

the way I look on donuts has been changed forever

8. ) Snot – bubble in the middle of laughter (…hopefully not in front of your boss)

Ugh, kids!

9.) Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore being gay (I SHOULD have seen that coming!)

alright, alright, I admit! I’m a POTTERHEAD!

10.) Falling in love (that, dear friends,  is a CALAMITY)

See? this is what I’m talking about…

So there you go, my first ten list of Oddities.That’s it. I’m done here. Now I have to inspire myself.

*All images courtesy of Google search

***P.S. Feel free to add to this list! :p