Since Everyone is Doing It

I’ll submit myself to the pressures of the world and start listing my own resolutions confessions:

1. I once wrote in a slam book (I think I was 8 at the time) under the question “Define love” that Love is like a bubble gum, when it sticks to you, it’ll drive you nuts! (pukes)

2. I really hate the taste of liquor. There I said it.

3. I have small boobs you’d think I was a man if only I have narrow hips, which I do not have. So if you want to know what I look like, I’d say half-man, half-woman.

I searched for an image of small boobs with big hips and Google gave me this.

4. I am addicted to peanut butter which gives me an itchy left pointing finger afterwards, blast these allergies. But what’s a medicine for, right? I’d never give up peanut butter.

5. I am heterosexual but had/has this inexorable tendency to be attracted to gay/effeminate men. Bite me if I know.

6. I am a pretty goddamn good liar. Sometimes.

7. At first grade, I pooped while I was sitting on class. Pure nightmare. It’d be a worse nightmare if people I knew in real life would read this post, which I hope if they do they’d develop Alzheimer’s. I think I just placed a curse on this.

8. I am really an introvert trying hard to be an extrovert. Or it could be the other way around. It depends on the phase of the moon.

9. I have cheated with my boyfriend once and I’m not proud of it.

10. I really believe there are other, more intelligent life forms other than humans out there. Yes. I’m pretty sure of it.

So that’s ten of my New Year’s confessions. I’d rather love to read yours.

(If I would have one resolution I’d love to make though, it would be to smile more – both inside and outside.)

Have an exciting 2013, lovelies!

Hello, Humanity! I Hate You

It’s been too long since I last made known how great and loving I really am. So without further adon’t (sorry for stealing the line, Tommy Top Hat), here’s my love letter. Or misanthropic salutations. And I didn’t even mention fuck more than twice. Sorry, thrice.

To Teenagers:

You’re so pathetic. What? You think because you’re young then you’re cute and you could charm your way out of every stupid thing you do? You’re not only pathetic, you’re stupid. I don’t know how you could make all these people believe you have something inside that head aside from air and bat droppings, and that you’re worthy of winning a million’s worth of “I adore you” when you’re just being your vomit-worthy self.

Fuck you, too, Big Brother.

I may sound like a sore loser, but I know I don’t look like it. You’re both. I hate you now and will keep on doing so ‘til you grow some body hair, wear diapers and start using a cane.

To Jealous Siblings:

Think how that object of jealousy sis/bro could die any minute now. Say what you would in that situation instead of giving ‘em a piece of your smart ass.

Or you could do the latter. You’d still be the same less favorite child of mummy and daddy dear anyway.

Boo-hoo.

To Teachers Who Think They’re Unquestionable:

You’re only fooling yourselves. If I have to choose between ambitious and smart to describe you, I know you know I chose smart to keep you from failing me. But the whole world knows otherwise. You’re not only morons, but you are self-advertising morons. I know teachers in all forms should be respected, but you just won’t get that from me. Just because students don’t have the kind of credentials you “possess” then they don’t have the right to question your authority or your methods?

Riiight.

Alright, I love playing this game. I will act as if I love you every step of the way. But know that I won’t have second thoughts in dipping your head in that turdful toilet bowl when the right opportunity comes.

To Cheating Lovers:

I’ve been in your shoes once and believe me, I admitted how stupid I am every cheating step of the game. It’s wrong. It’s despicable. I should have been hanged.

So I stopped. And I would finally know I’m a moron if I do the same mistake twice. But that won’t be happening any time soon.

How about you, moron? And that’s a hypothetical question so don’t even fucking answer.

To People Who Bash The Country They Were Born, Raised, and Still Living In:

You simply are the most pathetic of them all. You find only the fault in everything and whine about that with smart-sounding words. You intellectualize how pathetic your country is, how all your people simply don’t have the right attitude, how they are all talk and no walk, how you live in a country run by fifth-graders who plays a “Make Believe Senate”, how the religion of the majority of the population is affecting this whole idiocy, how you can’t love anything more than to live in another place instead of living in the only nation you have ever stepped your sorry foot on.

Damn, you even made a blog dedicated to this whole nation-hating crap you’ve got! You even ruined your country’s own flag. All that behind a cyber identity with no name! Wow! Really mature of you. Really. I’m being sarcastic? Nooooooo.

Dude, you have personal issues. Really. And if there’s anyone to blame, it’s YOU.

And oh, I do think you deserve to have your lips sewn together, and those legs fed to acid-using bums. That’s what you get from talking without saying anything. And having legs only as props.

I hate you all. x, J

“Seed – Planting” on BFFs and Other Oddities

Whoever first said that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and related it to parent – child relationships clearly doesn’t know my parents. Fine, that is an exaggeration. I do have some qualities possessed by…

…okay, moving on, ehem, I wanted to share the misfortune that has befallen the pathetic existence of my friend, Joan (sorry, Jo).

Joan had the revoltingly despicable perfect guy (if you’re not picky) for, say, 5 months now until she learned yesterday that he planted his seed on her best friend’s birth canal. I mean, wow, that guy must have secretly hated Joan. Or maybe the male specie just can’t control their hormones upon sight of a flirtatious human being with two protruding frontal milk reservoirs.

But whatever the reason is, I consider it an Oddity.

By definition, an Oddity is something that one either dreads to occur (occur, for it is in fact a calamity. Maybe I should have used calamity on the title. Nah, too lazy for that now…) and if it does it is impossibly difficult to dissect the mystery as to why you have allowed excess idiocy to pop up when you let it happen/did not see it coming.

Well, here is a list of the phenomena I consider as Oddities (in no particular order):

1.) BF planting seeds on BFFs V – zone 

2.) Rents telling you you’re adopted (after you’ve convinced yourself that your chinky eyes are just a manifestation of some psychosomatic disorder rooted on guilt over your porn stash)

3.) The worst hairstyle of the century (yes, on your head)

4.) Darwin’s Theory of Evolution (so obvious, I don’t know why they had to wait for Darwin to patent it)

severe case of hirsutism, folks

5.) Gas explosion in the middle of a sermon (mmm – hm, from your A – hole)

6.) YOUR cat’s reign over the furniture (I am NO guilty in owning a cat – I’ve seen too much of that anomaly)

7.) Herpes (need I say more?)

the way I look on donuts has been changed forever

8. ) Snot – bubble in the middle of laughter (…hopefully not in front of your boss)

Ugh, kids!

9.) Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore being gay (I SHOULD have seen that coming!)

alright, alright, I admit! I’m a POTTERHEAD!

10.) Falling in love (that, dear friends,  is a CALAMITY)

See? this is what I’m talking about…

So there you go, my first ten list of Oddities.That’s it. I’m done here. Now I have to inspire myself.

*All images courtesy of Google search

***P.S. Feel free to add to this list! :p