A Wiki Diagnosis (subtitled, ‘It’s okay to be alone sometimes, I guess.’)

There are moments when I want to be with people whenever I am alone.  And when at last I find myself in the company of others, I instantly wish I was back alone in my own room.

I think I am an introvert.

I think I am an introvert because I can’t find people I want to spend “physical” time with other than my family, my boyfriend, and select old friends who are too busy (and confused; and scared of the future, like me).

I am afraid that most, if not all, of the people living in my city are people too attached with their facebook profiles to be real enough.

I am afraid there is a lack of originality here.  Everyone wants to follow what’s trending and popular.  It’s sad.

I’m torn between exploring the world and staying close to the people I love.  It hurts because I can’t have both.  And both cling too close to that something which makes me tick.

I am afraid to say that at this point, other than three or four things, I can identify with all these “features” of a COVERT SCHIZOID under Wikipedia’s SPD page.

Covert Schizoid

I have always hesitated revealing too much of myself in this blog but right now this is something I must do because I don’t know what else to do.

I feel like a little Jenny is buried deep inside me screaming her lungs out, trying to get out but can’t.

And the Jenny body that is writing this now is a smiling accomplished liar–a case housing someone hidden, but not necessarily hiding.

I guess I really “want” (Need? Not sure…) to hang out with people who could get it.  But so far, in this strip of land I currently live in, there’s just no one who can. (Yet?)

Oh well.

It’s okay to be alone sometimes, I guess.

Like I have any other choice.  Ha ha, funny me.

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6 comments
  1. Diagnosing one’s self via the INTERNET is a TERRIBLE idea.

    This is not something worth beating yourself up over. The Chinese concept of yin-yang—two diametrically opposed desires—is a part of the human condition. It will always be a part of you to some degree.

    I have happy news for you: YOUR NORMAL.

    • I almost celebrated reading those last two words when I remember that I believe normalcy is subjective.

      But I guess you’re right with not diagnosing ourselves over the internet. I wouldn’t recommend it even if you’ve got super ultra research skills. It was just surprising to find that I can identify with all those things so frequently, too novel to ignore it. (And I guess this post was driven by low levels of serotonin because most women actually have to go through when its that “time of the month” once again. Sucks.)

    • But those are all very prosaic qualities. It’s casting a pretty damn wide net, don’t you think? Do you know ANYONE who isn’t hungry for love? That’s the basis for every song, poem and novel ever written. Anyone who isn’t a secret voyeur? Hello! Reality television!

      You are no longer permitted to navel-gaze on the Internet.

      You’re welcome. No charge.

  2. Anonymous said:

    God’s Will will always be done. So, if you are supposed to be around people, you will. If you aren’t – then you won’t. If they want to be around, you and you around them; that’s all that counts at the end of the day. Be open to all possiblities of love and friendship though. When it is genuine you will feel it and know that’s its all good. Pray for God to give you strength to be open to all wonderful possiblities.

  3. Page 28 said:

    Is it that the people you mentioned (that you enjoy being around) aren’t satisfying all the social needs you have, or is it just that you’re frustrated that you don’t want to be around people typically in the “normal” sense of what we’re expected to be able to do? If it’s the former, that takes some more thinking out, if the later, I’m not sure if that’s anything bad.

    For me, basically at some point this year after coming back from Ghana, I decided that I pretty much don’t like humanity. I believe in humanity, but I don’t like it, and I bloody well mean most of it. That includes a lot of old friends as well. For my own reasons, I concluded that a lot of them “used” me, not in a bad way, but literally as in “used” me to satisfy their own social needs (but weren’t themselves being real or genuine to themselves or “truly” interested in me). I tried to distance myself from those who I thought might be that way when I got back, but found that to be nearly everyone, and it not conducive to me own social needs. Solution? I just “use” (quotations are to emphasize the lack of maliciousness) them back now and keep those types of relationships on the status-quo they seem to warrant, while I dig in more intentionally to my more meatier ones. Satisfies what I need, what they need, and doesn’t come with all the cognitive dissonance.

    Not sure if that’s helpful, or it that’s just entirely transference of my own perspectives, but hey it’s there.

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