Dear Diary

I gotta be the stupidest person on earth.

You see, I have managed to make myself 100 fucking times uglier than I already was. Yep, that’s possible.

This afternoon, I was so engrossed reading on my PC Kindle that I did survival things (i.e. eating, drinking, breathing, farting) on automatic mode. Normal, right? Wrong! It’s all because of this stupid tumbler:

The Accused.

The Accused.

Pair that tumbler with sheer idiocy and you’ve got the weapons to start your personal Doomsday.

You know how kids people do silly/purposeless things like blowing bubbles in their drinks using a straw or making gum bubbles? They’re nothing to what I did. I actually sucked the air out of that tumbler because of I-don’t-fucking-know-what:

This is the scene where The Tumbler gave my mouth an effin blowjob.

This is the scene where The Tumbler gave my mouth an effin blowjob.

Well you know what happened next.

Oh, you don’t? Allow me to humor you. Imagine yourself putting your mouth inside that empty tumbler and mimic how a vacuum cleaner works. Right, so the tumbler will now stick to your skin because of the vacuum/pressure formed and it will continue to do so until you exhale. Heck, you can even dance with that tumbler beak of yours as long as you can manage to hold your breath!

So yeah, I forgot how long or how many times I repeated that sucking thing with the damned tumbler because as I said, the book I was reading was so goooooood (read: Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig). Perhaps I did it too often or for too long–who freaking knows?!

What I do know is as follows.

When I stood up to do something crucial (i.e. allowing my bulimic bladder to purge itself) in automatic mode, I happened to glance at the mirror and saw something magical.

This:

Actual shot of mine, cartoonized.

Actual shot of mine, cartoonized.

Yep, I actually managed to make myself un-erasable clown lips because I allowed the tumbler from hell to give my mouth a blowjob.

Sensible people call the result a bruise.

I call it a Lip Shiner.

Or T.O.S.S. (Tumbler Oral Sex Shiner).

Or S.I.S. (Stupidity Induced Shiner).

Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuckkkk!

Right now? I can’t get to my job without a mask on. Hell, I can’t get out of my room without a mask on! I actually made my life literally worse because of being too engrossed in a book. And they say books make you smarter! GAAAAAH!

Phew. Well, diary? At least there are lessons I’ve learned because of this whole unfortunate event (this is me using my defense mechanism of rationalization, so shut up):

  1. DO NOT do something that takes up most, if not all, of your cognitive function like reading a book, deciphering a mathematical code, or tying your shoe laces without another person in the same room to warn you of impending doom because of the possible things your body could do in automatic mode.
  2. Face masks are survival tools. ALWAYS replenish stocks.
  3. Tumblers are creatures from hell. BURN all stocks!
  4. DO NOT, I repeat, do not receive blowjobs from anyone or any-fucking-thing unless you know how closely related they are to a frigging suction pump.

and 5…

BUY A FUCKING BRAIN a.s.a.p., CLOWNFACE!!!

I guess that is all for now diary. Thank you for listening.

Living a worse life than ever,

    J.                     

17 comments
  1. hahaha this is so hilarious :) nice. I don’t know what to do if that happened to me.

      • thanks for sharing hehehe :)

  2. In second grade I got my lip caught on my coat zipper. But I was in second grade and my mom did it. You’re an adult and you did it. There’s no comparison. Get a straw!

    • Why does your comment make me think of a penis that was caught in a zipper in one of those Austin Powers films? Does your lip resemble a penis?

      • My lips resemble no private parts.

  3. This is hilarious Jenny!!! They say books are a man’s best friend. This is a small price you paid for the camaraderie :D

    • Gosh, I admire your light/positive outlook, my friend. My lips could use a lot of that lightness seeing as its starting to turn bluish-brown right now from the lighter (better) reddish-brown it was yesterday. Now I look like I sport a goatee. Ah, fuRRck it…

  4. Le Clown said:

    HiNaD,
    First world problems are thanking you for diverting the attention away from them.
    Le Clown

  5. samokan said:

    LOL , you can always say I had just a mind blowing kiss and this is the result.

    • Hmm I might just do that, you know.
      But then…I’d get jokes about stooping too low to kiss a gorilla (or any other big-mouthed animal).

  6. I nominate you got the funniest chick alive award. But you have to make your own badge. You can do that because you are so good at multi-tasking! You can read a book and give yourself a hicky at the same time. Now go forth and celebrate. 8-) but put on the sun glasses first.

    • Awwsh, you’re too wonderful Carol. ;) Now I can hear the word ‘multitasking’ and think of it in a new light..

      *Putting on the sunglasses over my eyeglasses–more weirdo look. Yeah.”

  7. What if I can’t bring myself to destroy my tumblers?

    • It would speak about how you’re such a sweet, sweet human being, with respect for all creatures–living or otherwise. Awwsh, Smak…

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